it’s okay to not be okay

Hey everyone!

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog, but lots has happened and I am ready to share.

About three weeks ago my team and I went to the beach for debrief. It was a time for processing and a time for rest. We were staying right on the beach and wow was it beautiful!

On the third morning, my leader woke us up to let us know our room was robbed in the middle of the night—while we were sleeping there. They ended up taking two backpacks, a couple hundred dollars in cash, three laptops, three phones and some random things like nail polish and a lion toothbrush cover. The weird part was that they put all of the stuff they didn’t take, including passports and credit cards, into a  backpack on the front lawn. It was evident that they weren’t trying to hurt us—they needed money.

It was hard for me because I didn’t know how to feel. I knew that I could buy a new phone and laptop, but I still felt the loss. I knew these people probably needed it way more than me, but I still felt sad. They didn’t physically hurt us, but I still felt violated. I knew God was good, but I just could not see the good in this situation. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be hurt by this because I know all the things, but I was still hurting. I was feeling more and more anxious and when we left the beach it didn’t stop.

Nights looked like:

• Sleeping in the same bed as my friends
• Staring at the door to make sure nobody came in for an hour or so until I could fall asleep
• Waking up multiple times throughout the night
• Thinking the towel hanging across the room was somebody there
• Thinking every single sound was somebody breaking in 

I know these fears are irrational and I am so safe at our ministry house. We have two locked gates, a wall around the property with shards of glass sticking out of it, a locked door and bars on the windows, however, I am still scared. I know all the right Bible verses saying do not be afraid, and about God’s peace and about prayer—but I’m still feeling afraid. 

There was so much questioning going on in my head. If I know the God of peace is with me and protecting me why do I jump at every sound? If I know I am safe why am I still up at night? It’s because it was a real traumatic thing that happened and I’m allowed to feel all the things. I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t have to be okay all the time. 

I know God does not make everything happen for a reason, but He will redeem every situation. I just need to remember God’s good works and trust He is walking through this with me. Now I am starting to see the good!

When I look back on this time I’ll see God’s glory in…

• The deeper relationships formed with my teammates
• The laughs while we “cope”
• All my hand drawn pictures of our sweetest memories (since I no longer have a phone to take them lol)
• The lesson on having everything, but possessing nothing
• Being present in every single moment

I wanted to wait until I had it all figured out and everything was perfect with a happy ending to post anything. I wanted to be 100% okay. I’m not 100% okay and that’s alright because I’m not going to stay there forever, but day by day it will get better. I didn’t know how to write this, but when I asked God—He reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay. So here I am—not okay, but still choosing joy and walking with God through it all!